Every parent with more than one child has been asked the question many times: “Who’s your favorite?” Of course, every parent also knows that only a bad parent would ever name a favorite. Instead we reply, “I don’t have any favorites. I love everybody the same.”
My grandmother died at age ninety-three leaving fifteen grandchildren behind. After her funeral they returned to her house and sat around exchanging memories. Finally, one of my female cousins said, “I always felt kind of guilty because I knew that I was her favorite, and I didn’t think it was fair to the rest of you. This announcement was received by fourteen pairs of stunned ears.
“Are you kidding?” someone else exclaimed. “I always knew that I was her favorite.”
After a bit more discussion, it was discovered that every grandchild had always believed himself/herself to be my grandmother’s favorite. How did Grandma manage to convince each grandchild that he/she was the favorite? It certainly was not because she ever told any child that he/she was the favorite. In fact, Grandma was faithful to always give the PC response, “Grandma doesn’t have any favorites. She loves everyone the same.”
After sixteen years of pondering how Grandma managed to made everyone feel so loved and so special, I think that I have the answer. It was not true that Grandma didn’t have favorites; the truth was that she had fifteen favorites. She treated each grandchild as if he/she were an only grandchild. She loved each of us for who we were, and she never compared us to anyone else. She never told us that we should be more like one of her other grandchildren. If we had a complaint about one of our cousins or siblings, she would say that the person in question was just fine, and then she would change the subject.
All of her adult life my grandmother lived on a very modest income, but she knew how to make everything special. She cooked the most delicious meals that I have ever eaten, but she always made it seem as if the labor that she put into those superb meals was no effort at all. She would sit in front of the fire on a cold winter’s day and rock a grandchild long after everyone else had told that child that he/she was too big to be rocked. She always kept a bowl of dimes on a little table near the front door so that on a hot summer’s day when a grandchild heard the ice-cream man’s truck coming down the street, he/she could grab a dime and run outside to buy a treat without having to ask permission. When one of the grandchildren stated that he/she was not allowed to play in the mud, or climb a tree, or go barefoot in the yard, she would reply, “You’re at Grandma’s house now.” This was her reminder to both her grandchildren and their parents that when you were at Grandma’s house, Grandma made the rules, and nine out of ten times her rules came down in the grandchildren’s favor.
When my children were small, we used to take them to a cafeteria for lunch every Sunday after church. One day one of the ladies in the serving line who had become accustomed to seeing us there said to me, “You are the only person I know with ten only children.” I consider that to be one of the nicest compliments I have ever received. I know that I will never be as good as my grandmother was at making children feel special, but I have tried to let each of my children know that they are my favorite child. I was never afraid to “play favorites.” When I was asked the question, “Who’s your favorite?” I answered with complete honesty, “You’re all my favorites.”
Parents should love each child for who he/she is and appreciate that child’s unique contributions to the family. God loves diversity, and so should we. Let your children know that they are special because of who they are and that no one can ever take their place either in your family or in your heart. It is true that as parents we love everyone equally, but it is not true that we love everyone the same. We have a different relationship with each child, and if that child were suddenly taken away, a deep void would be left in our hearts and in our homes.
The next time your child asks you, “Who’s your favorite?” tell him why he is your favorite. Let that child know that you love everyone equally, but also tell him what qualities make him special and give him a place in your heart that no one else can ever fill.
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